You would think a bridal expo would be a fairly good place to visit after a recent proposal. In fact, I had been planning to go anyway, proper engagement ring or not - hey a girl has got to be organised. As luck would have it, I just happened to get proposed to the week before expo hit town. Great timing. A great place to start, get ideas, check out some themes, colours, dresses, photographers, invitations etc. So, approximately 164 hours in and with one of my BM's in tow, I headed straight to Burswood Grand Ballroom with an open mind just dying to be filled with inspiration and ideas, $15 entry fee? no worries, I'm sure it'll be worth it, I would've paid $50!
There was a severe lack of oxygen in the room, girls of all shapes, sizes and ages looking each other up and down, as if it was some kind of Perth Bride of the Year competition. Luckily, BM had brought along her fake engagement ring so she could feel like a part of it all. This made for some particularly awkward moments, especially our first encounter with an exhibitor to whom BM was paying particular attention. "Which one of you is getting married?", she asked innocently. BM, silent, continued to leaf through the photo album she had been so interested in having obviously heard the question but unsure of how to answer it. Awkwardness ensued as the hesitation continued. BM had worn her fake engagement ring but had not planned her fake wedding or for the questions that would be peppered at her throughout the day. I jumped in after too much time for an honest response had elapsed, "both of us". It was that, or we walked away pretending to be deaf mutes. BM shouldn't have been embarrassed, after all, just a week previous, I too had planned to don a fakey and crash the expo. A fraud amongst a bevy of self righteous brides to be with REAL diamonds on their finger, all in the name of good planning and being organised. ha.
We were drowning in a sea of over zealous exhibitors, thrusting their brochures and goodie bags at us violently. My head was spinning, I'm not sure if it was from the lack of oxygen, the heat or the fact that i was carrying a large tote and two bridal magazines in one arm causing a severe lack of blood flow through one side of my body.
Well, no thanks I'm not really too keen on going paint balling for my hens do. WOAH, get away from me celebrant troll with crazy purple and red hair, you will not be ruining my wedding photographs. I can now add wedding/funeral celebrant to my list of potential occupations when im middle aged, eccentric and willing to do anything for just a little bit of attention. "I'm getting married in a church", BM snipes at one equally hideous celebrant who solicits us with her brochures, "my mum has it alllll planned." Oh good, BM was slowly but surely getting into character. She was like my fake bride body guard, shielding me from the cheap, tacky cake people (did you know they can make your wedding cake look just like a sand castle?) and causing the dodgy catering people to put their flyers down and slowly back away with just a look. She wasn't able to save me however from the horrific dress lady. We had strayed into cheap, this-dress-is-totes-made-in-bali ville and me, in my vegetative trance like state, was easy pickings for the cheap dress vultures. I cant even remember what kind of information she barked at me but I was somehow drawn to her when she asked me "are you getting married?", yes i replied she had me well within her clutches now. "Do you need a dress?", Of course i need a frickin dress you horrible woman! What kind of question is that? Her well rehursed sales pitch started with "This is my daughters shop. We're down in Rockingham." ahhuuummmmm, ba bum. Sorry lady, you lost me at Rockingham. Nothing good has ever come out of that place. I wish I was one of those people who could just be really rude and walk away mid sales pitch, take a leaf out of BM's book, she had it down pat and seemed to be enjoying herself. However, this expo was really testing my patience though, if it was ever going to happen, i think it could happen here.
Oh god, BM is talking to the paintballing guy.
My peripheral vision suggests an odd shape approaching. It's a man. A groom to be with his bride to be who has somehow managed to trick her fiance into coming to expo with her. He looks at us, we look at him. Our eyes say "Wow, she made you come. You are either in the closet or she has you so badly under the thumb that you are now only a shell of a man." All the magazines try to tell you to "get your groom on board", but he doesn't deserve this, its too far. Maybe he does, maybe he was out all night with the boys and didn't call then got home and threw up in your sneakers. But even that doesn't really warrant punishment by bridal expo. It's just mean and not something you would ever do to someone you loved.
I'm wandering aimlessly trying to find something i can feign interest in. And then, my prayers were answered, was it an oasis? a mirage? no, this was definitely an overpriced bar. I didnt care, I would've given my left arm for wine, which was pretty much now about to fall off anyway.
BM and I took up front row seats with our wines and waited for the next runway show to start.
Before the amazing fashions went on show, we were treated to an encore performance by 'Sax and the City', an old guy who plays the sax, accompanied by two karaoke princesses. I say princess in the way you would say princess fergie, not really much of a princess at all, just opportunistic, in the right place at the right time, and thats where being right stopped and the rest just went terribly, terribly wrong. I spent the first 2 minutes of their performance convinced that it was some kind of theatre, a joke. But slowly, reality took hold, these people were really trying to make music.
It really set the tone for the rest of the show. At least my expectations had ben lowered. A seemingly never ending procession of 15 year olds paraded about in front of us in hideous creations. Even they looked embarassed. The maybe slightly older male models were slightly more entertaining. But watching socially awkward 15 yr old girls and a 17 yr old boy (oh and dont forget the token plus sized model for effect) did not so much as stir my inner bride. Thank god for wine. It got worse. Lingerie, they put them in lingerie. But it was not sexy, tasteful lingerie for your wedding night. It was sleazy, two dollar hooker type lingerie. One even came out wearing a cop uniform. They even got the fat girl in on it with some handcuffs. Oh god.
Finally it was over, I left the bridal expo feeling like i didnt want to have a wedding at all. It was everything I would never want in a wedding and more. It took at least 2 more bottles of wine and some tapas at Imp to try and put the whole experience behind us. And then Fiance walked into the cafe, as soon as I see him, I'm suddenly OK and excited all over again.
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